My regard for him (yet what a poor affected word is regard!) was,
nevertheless, as strong as ever. Generosity, or rather justice, to
Clementina, and that so often avowed regard to him, pulled my heart two
ways.--I wanted to consider with myself for a few moments: I was desirous
to clear the conduct that I was to shew on this trying occasion, as well
of precipitance as of affectation; and my cousin Reeves just then coming
in for something she wanted, I took the opportunity to walk to the other
end of the room; and while a short complimental discourse passed between
them, 'Harriet Byron,' said I to myself, 'be not mean. Hast thou not the
example of a Clementina before thee? Her religion and her love,
combating together, have overturned the noble creature's reason. Tho
canst not be called to such a trial: but canst thou not shew, that if
thou wert, thou couldst have acted greatly, if not so greatly?--Sir
Charles Grandison is just: he ought to prefer to thee the excellent
Clementina. Priority of claim, compassion for the noble sufferer, merits
so superior!--I love him for his merits: shall I not love merits, nearly
as great, in one of my own sex? The struggle will cost thee something:
but go down, and try to be above thyself. Banished to thy retirement, to
thy pillow, thought I, be all the girl. Often have I contended for the
dignity of my sex; let me now be an example to myself, and not unworthy
in my own eyes (when I come to reflect) of an union, could it have been
effected, with a man whom a Clementina looked up to with hope.
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