He felt
his position to be in no way salutary, and wrote to his mother: "The
fear of becoming a mere ruffian and of imbibing the tyrannical
principles of an absolute commander, or giving way insensibly to the
temptations of power till I became proud, insolent, and
intolerable,--these considerations will make me wish to leave the
regiment before next winter; that by frequenting men above myself I may
know my true condition, and by discoursing with the other sex may learn
some civility and mildness of carriage." He got leave of absence, and
spent six months in Paris, where he was presented at Court and saw much
of the best society. This did not prevent him from working hard to
perfect himself in French, as well as in horsemanship, fencing, dancing,
and other accomplishments, and from earnestly seeking an opportunity to
study the various armies of Europe. In this he was thwarted by the
stupidity and prejudice of the commander-in-chief; and he made what
amends he could by extensive reading in all that bore on military
matters.
His martial instincts were balanced by strong domestic inclinations. He
was fond of children; and after his disappointment in love used to say
that they were the only true inducement to marriage. He was a most
dutiful son, and wrote continually to both his parents. Sometimes he
would philosophize on the good and ill of life; sometimes he held
questionings with his conscience; and once he wrote to his mother in a
strain of self-accusation not to be expected from a bold and determined
soldier.
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