According to his convictions he
had to do as he did, and I don't blame him at all. He was consistent.
Consequently, I have not taken a step to induce him to change his mind.
My sister was abroad. Madame D. is the only one who wrote to me when I
was released, and she sent me assistance; but you understand that I
could not accept it, so that I had none of those little things which
make one's position a little easier, you know,--books, linen, food,
nothing at all. At this time I thought things over and over, and began
to look at life with different eyes. For instance, this noise, this
society gossip about me in Petersburg, did not interest me, did not
flatter me; it all seemed to me ridiculous. I felt that I myself had
been to blame; I was young and indiscreet; I had spoiled my career, and
I only thought how I might get into the right track again. And I felt
that I had strength and energy enough for it. After my arrest, as I told
you, I was sent here to the Caucasus to the N. regiment.
"I thought," he went on to say, all the time becoming more and more
animated,--"I thought that here in the Caucasus, la vie de camp, the
simple, honest men with whom I should associate, and war and danger,
would all admirably agree with my mental state, so that I might begin a
new life.
Pages:
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139