"I wonder what's the matter with me. I must
have got started wrong somehow. Money to spend, playing at soldiering,
made to believe I'd have a pot of money and an estate, and then told one
fine day that a son and heir, with health in form and feature, was come,
and Esau must go. No profession, except soldiering, debt staring me in
the face, and a nasty mess of it all round. I wonder why it is that I
didn't pull myself together, be honest to a hair, and fight my way
through? I suppose I hadn't it in me. I wasn't the right metal at the
start. There's always been a black sheep in our family, a gentleman or
a lady, born without morals, and I happen to be the gentleman this
generation. I always knew what was right, and liked it, and I always did
what was wrong, and liked it--nearly always. But I suppose I was fated.
I was bound to get into a hole, and I'm in it now, with one lung, and a
wife in prospect to support. I suppose if I were to write down all the
decent things I've thought in my life, and put them beside the indecent
things I've done, nobody would believe the same man was responsible for
them. I'm one of the men who ought to be put above temptation; be well
bridled, well fed, and the mere cost of comfortable living provided, and
then I'd do big things.
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